he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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