Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
