I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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