Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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