Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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