In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We were destined to go to rehab together
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
