Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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