Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
