My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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