Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
