the condom got lost in my hair
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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