can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
