the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
