I accidentally had phone sex last night
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
