I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
