Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
