the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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