i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
