Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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