is your mom at the bar?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
