he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
