I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
