So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
