I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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