I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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