My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
