I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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