she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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