I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
