I just pynch a tree in the face
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
