I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
