if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
