I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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