Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
40s are totally the cure
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
