highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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