What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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