so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
