Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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