Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize
