I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
