Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
