If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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