I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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