I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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