I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
