I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
