Do you still have your period?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
