Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
