she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
