Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
