i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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