Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
