He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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