I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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