I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
