I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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