Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
