I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
