my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Drunk is not a location!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
