What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
